Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize