The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
