Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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