you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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