Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
