make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
