The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
