You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
