My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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