im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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