I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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