I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
