a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Even my vagina gasped.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
