Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize