Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh god it's open bar.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
