I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
