My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
