If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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