you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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