Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
