apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
be right there i have to get my cape
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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