First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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