god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
