New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
