Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
