I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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