I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
