my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
