My liver just broke up with me...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
