You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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