Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
