We're like a lot better than the average bears
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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