Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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