i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
