you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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