So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
