What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
