Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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