i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
