Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
only you would photoshop your dick
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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