fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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