whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
