Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
