I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
