I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
