At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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