Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
