I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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