I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
