my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I looked at my own cervix.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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