That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
