May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
