ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
babies were throwing up all over the place
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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