made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
