I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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