Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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