Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
