i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
