He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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