A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I puked a lego.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
