That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
