LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
